NK (Draft)

Now before we begin, a word to the sensitive…..

Lets just get right into it shall we? So we get to the port in NYC and praise to Allah, there seems to be no line! I always knew that New Yorkers would have their shit together, unlike those siesta loving, manjana manjana Miami types. I was wrong. There may have been no line outside but by Christ there was one inside. It was one of those 'deceptive' lines that doesn't look all that long but due to the cunning rope assault course that snaked round and round, you were pretty much guaranteed to see death before the counter. Of course, some impatient Blockheads did whatever they could to jump the line and when someone accidentally knocked one of the rope barriers over they took the opportunity to jump into the shorter line. They looked pretty smug. But not as smug as we looked when the Rose Tours rep let EVERYONE in our long ass line through and made them wait right until the end as punishment. bwahahaha!

A new element to this years cruise was the addition of a camera crew, there to document the stories of 5 sets of Blockheads for a new reality TV show called 'Rock This Boat'. A disclaimer form was shoved in our hands as we waited in line giving us the opportunity to opt out of the filming. Now you gotta ask yourself exactly how is that going to work, huh? Apparently opting out meant that every time the film crew was near, you had to wave your arms around screaming 'NOOOOOOOO! I OPTED OUT!!!' so they wouldn't film you. LOL! I just hope they don't overdub my voice with that of a tiny Chinese lady. 

I guess there are a few reasons why you wouldn't want your face to be on an NKOTB reality show:

a) You told your asshole boss your grandmother died to get the time off. 

b) You told your husband you were going to Cabo with the girls. 

c) You tell everyone your favourite band is Paramore and don't want your dirty little, boy band loving, teeny bopper ass to be found out. 

So after 2 hours we make it through and get on the ship. Lets take a moment to talk about the Carnival SPLENDAH! It looked like a botanists wet dream, fucking flowers and hanging baskets everywhere. I don't know about you but when I hear the word 'Splendour', I'm thinking I'm gonna be sitting my ass on a gold toilet seat not weed whacking my way through the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. 

The layout of the boat was highly suspect this year. It definitely got a one eyebrow raise from me when I saw the Lido for the first time. The beauty of last years boat was in the tiered seating arrangement. Every mother fucker could see the stage and if not at least a screen. This year it was flat. It was like a GA concert of epic proportions. If you wanted to sniff a New Kid you had to make sure your ass was planted on that Lido deck hours ahead of time or face an evening in no-mans land where you couldn't see shit, couldn't do shit and couldn't even get to the bathroom to go for a…..well you know. 

I think I encountered one of those 'I've been stuck at the back of the boat from 4 days' dejected souls on GPS night. Me and two friends went outside on Deck 11 to get some air and there was a girl on the next table bitching very loudly about how she 'ain't gonna dress like a ho to get into VIP'. 

All I can say is, for that my dear we are ALL truly thankful. To be fair, she did kind of look like she spent the 3 weeks prior to the cruise at a facility with rubber walls, colouring in circles with crayons. 

At least the boat had a retractable roof. Walking around the Lido deck during the day when the roof was on was weird. It kind of had that big, enclosed, floating cult,  greenhouse vibe going on. I have to say, I'm not a fan of the NYC to Bermuda route. I really missed the beach time in Miami, the cheap hotels and the Latin men wearing very little clothing. 

Anyways, lets get back to story. We were pretty much the last people to get on the boat which meant that the bar was closed for the mandatory fire drill. Don't these people realise that when you've been standing in line for hours and hours staring at a girl wearing neon spandex you really need alcohol to numb the pain, like fucking now maybe?? Apparently not. In four years we've been to the 'mandatory' read 'optional' drill ONCE. This year there was no escaping it. We were told there would be a head count and people would be called if they were not there. Not wanting a 'Sonia' situation we reluctantly went to go stand in another line by our muster station whilst a tiny man standing on a box did fuck all other than stand there staring at us whilst the 'drill' was read out over the loudspeaker. I would have preferred the cliff notes to be honest. 'Boaty sink, run over there and jump in tinier boat whilst blowing on this pointless whistle'. 

With the drill over and our suitcases still not having made an appearance it was Sail Away Party time. whoop! This is the first time you get to see all of your million sisters together in one place. The deck was packed by the time we got out there so we went up to the top deck where you could see even less due to the camera crew being up there totally NOT getting in the way /sarcasm. One of the advantages of being tall is that I can see over most peoples heads so I managed to pop off some photos of Lord Jord doing what he does best….

It was cute how excited Jordan and Jon got when our boat went under a bridge. Like children looking at bubbles for the first time. I can't remember the last time I got that excited about, well anything. 

I think all of us ladies did try to appreciate the cool view though, realising that this was probably the only time in the next 4 days any of us would see a massive erection. 

Soon after we moved outside as our boat went past The Statue of Liberty. It was nice and serene out there until Danny and Joe came out and we were joined by 250 selfie wanting oxygen stealers. lol

Couldn't waste too much time staring at the green lady as we had a tight schedule. Dinner followed by NKOTB Feud! They were a little bit more relaxed in the dining room this year, not forcing you to sit with Blockheads you don't know for an hour of tedious awkward conversation. 

The menu was pretty much the same as all the other years just with less Mahi Mahi. Maybe they can't survive in the Hudson? lol. 

As usual the service is slow as all fuck which boggles my tiny mind when all the food is pre-prepared. Really? It takes an hour to walk to the kitchen, pick up the plates of food and bring them to the table? Really? FUCKING REALLY????? Our waiters are always lacklustre, probably due to the fact that we never order anything that will give them some commission. 'You want a strawberry daiquiri?' 'You want a vodka?' 'Are you sure you don't want a drink from the bar??'. NO! What I want is for you to stop asking me questions, stop talking to your friends and bring me my mother fucking lobster and sad looking salad in the hopes that I might be able to make it to the Game Show sometime between now and Bermuda!!!!! I get rage when I'm hungry. 

A quick sprint back to the cabin to change into the 3rd outfit of the day for the Game Show. The past couple of years I've been pretty nonplussed by the game shows but this one was actually funny.

I won't go into detail, there are plenty of videos of the whole thing on YouTube but I guess the highlight for everyone except maybe me, was the #DaddysSpecialTreat. I mean I got the joke, I ain't a slow starter or anything I just didn't see why it produced that much hilarity! Maybe it was too obvious for my 'drier than a gnats asshole' sense of humour. The game show was easy to figure out. The top two answers were always 'Penis' or 'Balls'. I love a game show and would like to see just how smart these New Kids actually are next year by giving them real questions on Politics, World History and Geography where the only possible question to the answer of  'balls' is 'What does Hitler only have one of?' ;-)

Another 'Oh no, you didn't' part of the game show was Danny telling the crowds how TORTUROUS the European Tour had been for him. *get your tissues ready, this shit be heart-wrenching* 

He regaled us with a disturbing tale of sexual molestation where he'd spent a month having his nipples tweaked, his balls cupped, his ass grabbed and his torso exposed by his band mates. This story was SO tragic, some starving kids in Africa have started an appeal. I do however think this was all a cunning ruse to get female love. We get it Danny. The kids are not here this year, your crotch is OPEN for business. ;-)

A minor distraction during the Game Show was a girl in the middle who would randomly jump up and down wearing just a bra at any given moment. I guess her suitcase hadn't arrived either. lol

The Deck Party the first night was the Masquerade Ball. Walking out on to the Lido that night was like walking into a room full of rejected movie extras from Eyes Wide Shut. 

The guys looked good albeit a little scary. Jon, holy fucking shit, that's the stuff my nightmares are made of. I've always had this fear of Venetian masks. You know those creepy ones with the long noses. They just remind me of sex games in dungeons where some depraved freaks end up getting their cocks chopped off. *shudder* Made a mental note to avoid Jon all night for my own sanity. 

I met someone I thought I'd erased from my brain on Masquerade Night. Whilst over getting myself a drink with my friend, I suddenly felt someone hovering by my shoulder. I turned round and was eyeball to eyeball with someone that looked vaguely familiar but I couldn't place. 'Do you remember me?', she says. 

'We met in Iowa', she says. We did? OK….um….we didn't because I've never been to Iowa. Turns out it was just her accent and she meant Ottawa. The light bulb in my brain starts to flicker. I've only been to Ottawa once a couple of years ago to go see Jordan's Live and Unfinished show. 'We met in the bathroom at the JK show'. LIGHT…..ON…….DING DING DING!!! Oh fucking christ, no, its YOU! Did you not get the hint during our last interaction that I didn't like you much, mainly because of the weird ass shit you say every time you see me? I'm talking about the girl who cornered me in the bathroom at JK's show to say to me 'Everyone hates you. What does it feel like to be so hated?' with this weird, slightly maniacal look in her eye. I find out a couple of hours later the same girl had gone up to one of my other friends on Masquerade Night and said to her 'Oh your so and so, I know all of the psycho, Blockhead stalkers'. I'm sorry, but White Girl…..WHHHAAAAAATTTTTTT?

Now lets give her the benefit of the doubt and pretend that she is just being funny, sarcastic and trying to bond. LMAO! Yeah right…….

How the fuck she managed to sneak upstairs I don't know. Unfortunately, when you act like a freaking weirdo and start saying nasty shit to people you don't tend to stay up there. Cool, see ya never, bye! lol

Day Two on the ship was shaping to be slightly slower paced than the first day. Not as much rushing around. Or so we thought! Photo op was spread over two different days this year so we thought we would do ours on the last day, however we met some of the people in our group at lunch and they said they wanted to do it today…..like in an hours time. I love hearing those words when I haven't showered, haven't got any makeup on and smell like vodka factory. We sprinted back to our cabin hoping that 3 girls could take 3 showers and all dry their hair with only one dryer between them and be at photo op in an hour. 

When our group came knocking on our cabin door two of us were naked and one was desperately grappling with an errant hair extension. We told them we would be down in 15 minutes, figuring there would be a line anyways. Turns out not. 5 minutes later a desperate call came through to our cabin that they were next in line and we had to get there now. Oh fuck, oh fuck! To cut a long story short we ended up running to the photo op, tripping over the camera crew who had completely blocked the doorway and finding an empty room with just our group standing there looking stressed, the NK's and an angry looking Tall Kevin screaming at us 'YOU'VE HAD 3 HOURS!!!!!'. Actually, Kevin we haven't but I don't have the time to stand around and explain the complexities of our morning to you. Can we just take a moment to talk about Tall Kevin? WTF is up with that dude? He's so mean all the freaking time! If I could do it without needing a step ladder and a pair of stilts I would punch him in the face cause he's an ass who quite clearly hasn't grasped the concept of 'The customer is always right' or at least learnt to fake smile and STFU. 

I'm actually quite glad we hadn't got there earlier as apparently one person in our group completely lost it when they were told they had to join another group for the photo as we hadn't turned up. Apparently Billy, who was in our group was so traumatised by the whole thing, he still hasn't recovered. lol!

Victor was more pleasant about the situation. 'I knew it would be you guys' he says with a laugh. Its all great though because at least I got a super awesome photo with Jordan...

……uhhhhh……shit-sticks. 

Take Two…..slightly better. :-)

At 2:30pm it was time to move our butts to the Spectacular Spectacular Lounge, so spectacular they had to name it twice, for Joe's screening of 'The McCarthys'. Unlike the Kardashians, I haven't been keeping up with Joe world much so it was news to me that he even had a TV show. I'm sure it was great! I wouldn't know because there was a huge ass speaker blocking my view but from the reaction of the rest of the crowd, WINNING! 

Then there was Danny Wood Pong. 

After another underwhelming dinner it was concert time, yay! We were standing over to the side next to the Knight Family Collective. Once again, there were hundreds of them on the ship this year including Mama Knight who'd come to cheer on her sons. Well……SON. lol! 

When Survive You started they all got to their feet and started shouting and cheering as Jon geared up for his 2 solo lines of the night. 

When Jordan came on to do another pitch perfect and fabulous rendition of IBLYF complete with dramatic facial expressions and fake tears?

It was quite clear to me that the 'Son Of The Year' mug is NOT hanging on a mug rack in a tiny kitchen in Milton. I felt I had to overcompensate for my row's lacklustre reaction by practically orgasming at the end during that long ass high note whilst simultaneously replying to a text from my dog saying 'No I can hear it too'. lol

The concert, of course rocked! Watching them on stage never gets old and they were awesome. I did wonder how Mama Knight felt watching '10 times'. The last thing I would want to see when I am on a stage fucking the air is my mothers face. 

Night 2 was Cowboy Night. Oh goody, an excuse for all the old broken down, ratchet ho's with an agenda to wear a pair of butt grazers and a plaid shirt 3 times too small for their over inflated breasts. OMG you came as Daisy Duke? No fucking way. Thats such a shocker. Nooo I agree, you definitely can never show too much nipple. lol

I wasn't enthused about Cowboy Night when it was announced, a feeling that grew when I couldn't find anything I wanted to wear in New York. I got so grumpy over not having an outfit that one night I was heard to exclaim 'Fuck this, I'm not going!'. I was Queening out in Queens. 

Its funny how your mind can change so quickly…..

I think Danny came as a cowboy that moved to LA. lol

Dear Overlords of the Bermuda Triangle, now would be a great time for this boat to fucking disappear into a parallel universe where they are all single and have zero morals or standards. 

Jordan girls, lets just take a moment for ourselves, k?……...

Cowboy Night was a hit despite the fact that I didn't know the words and so couldn't sing along to any of your toothless, hillbilly songs. Joe stripped naked and jumped in the pool and then spent the rest of the night dancing around in sopping wet pants so that #DaddysSpecialTreat could be photographed from all angles. I wonder if his penis will get a mention in the credits of the reality show. 

I get you Joe Girls. He's not my type, but I get the appeal. He looks like he'd choke you, slap you around a bit, fuck you with NO feelings and the throw you out with no cab fare. lol. Would probably wipe his dick on the fancy towels too. ;-) 

After the deck party myself and Jen decided to go to the Donnie party which I have to say, this year, were really good! That probably has something to do with the fact that unlike last year I didn't smash a glass, get shouted at by a Blockhead and end the night curled up in a ball vomiting from both ends. (see last years blog for that scary tale). 

Day 3 was Bermuda! I know nothing about Bermuda other than the fact that Britain owns it or something hence all the little British things on the island like the cute red telephone boxes. Yeah, we didn't get off the boat. Bermuda looked lovely from my balcony but you know what looked better, my bed. Zzzzzzzzzz. 

We had to call Maintenance on Day 3 due to one of us flooding the bathroom. Jen was convinced there was a problem with the shower and that the drain was blocked. Turns out she just didn't have the shower curtain inside the tray so all the water ran out directly onto the floor. Not wanting to look like idiots we let the maintenance guy prod around in the shower with his 'tools' for 20 minutes before he came to the conclusion that we just needed to 'turn the shower head towards the wall'. LMAO!! 

Night 3 was movie night. I was VERY excited about movie night. 

I decided to go as Poison Ivy from Batman. Yeah, its the Batman no one went to see with George Clooney. I spent most of my night explaining to people that NO, I'm not Ariel from the Little Mermaid! Whatever, the outfit and the red wig seemed to attract the males that night as I got hit on twice when at the bar. The first guy was super old. I have no idea who he was but he kept trying to touch me and whisper creepy things in my ear hole. Sorry grandpa, I kind of have this rule that I won't fuck anyone with a pacemaker, dentures or the bladder of a small child. Later on that night I was approached by another dude. I do know who this guy is but I won't name him here. As I was struggling to work out what constitutes a shot of vodka he was all like 'Hey Ivy, you feeling naughty tonight?' with a wink. WTF? Does this bottle of vodka have a man magnet in it or something?? I giggled my way out of the situation and I am happy to report I spotted him later on having slightly more luck with another Blockhead. 

Another thing this cruise will be remembered for is the rise of the selfie! It's the new Autograph. All hail the front facing camera of suspect quality as soon as the sun goes down! I was on a mission to get some fucking photos with New Kids other than Jordan. I swear to God I have 17,000 of him and none with anyone else!

And how did I fare? Mission.Fucking.Accomplished! *shoots guns in the air* Well sort of. Still no Donnie photo but that's ok because he terrifies me and I would never dare ask! lol!! #ScaredOfDonnie

The guys looked amazing that night! Jordan's commitment to staying in character all night was hysterical. And that hair? I can't with that fucking hair!!

The after party that night had a bit of fucking melodrama. I will need to word this carefully so lets call it the 'Guess Who, Don't Sue' section. Hmmmm, k?

1. Which diva was throwing punches on the dance floor when a Blockhead started flirting with her man? I semi-witnessed this. At least the aftermath. #GuessWhoDontSue

2. Who was heard to shout across the deck 'Hey Jon, come over here, I ain't one of those groupie bitches' in front of a bunch of Blockheads? Allegedly. **source, a number of people on the cruise Facebook group** #GuessWhoDontSue

3. Which prominent Jordan girl ditched all her friends to go hang outside the door leading to the All Access Pass area? LOL! Witnessed by moi and several others. #GuessWhoDontSue

4. Which Blockhead stole a Carnival staff members outfit in an attempt to get into one of the New Kids cabins? Allegedly. #GuessWhoDontSue

As we are on the subject of wild rumours, lets just kick it up a notch and spend a moment talking about that fucking crazy running her mouth off on Twitter, yammering on about Donnie. According to this girl, Donnie told her she was fat and that he hopes she gets raped and now she is in hospital and suicidal. 

Oh Yeah that totally sounds like Mr Love Eternal. I know that the last time I saw him he kicked me in the gunt and then killed a kitten with his bare hands. A quick check of this chicks twitter timeline shows all the signs of your bog standard BSC. Poor spelling, blatant disregard for grammar, lots of caps lock shouting and negative attention whoring. She was cussing out Donnie even before the cruise so I guess she decided to add some gravy for shits and giggles. 

Good job looney tunes, SUCH a cool story. Hey Guess what??

Day Four was another fairly laid back day.The only event we had to go to was Duets at Dusk. I didn't go last year but it looked really good on YouTube so despite wanting to sleep I dragged my ass out to the Lido to watch Joseph doing singing and shit. And it was really good! Theres something about listening to Duets as the sun is going down that makes me emotional. Yup, I started to cry like a gay man at Elton John's farewell concert. The singers were great, I can't mock them! They were really good! 

Even Jordan graced us with his presence to bust out Angel of Love with Robyn Sky. I was excited! Until Robyn Sky appeared and then I think I can safely say all Jordan girls had the same reaction. 

Oh Awesome. She's quite attractive. How great. I'm beside myself with joy at having to watch them sing to each other…..

The final night was GPS Night. I'm so bored of GPS night and hated my outfit so much I changed into something totally not GPS'y! My dress was floral so technically I could have been representing the English countryside. The neon glow sticks were GENIUS! So fucking cool that for the second time that day, I got a little teary when looking down at the Lido. 

GPS night always sucks because it has that last night vibe and is full of goodbyes to people that you love. 

The night started off well though, I learnt The Wobble. I now feel like I can go to any black or Mexican wedding and fit right in! And my night ended on stage dancing with Donnie. 

I usually end every cruise by sitting on my balcony at 5am crying. This time I went and got changed into comfy clothes at 5am and then came back up to the deck and did my crying into the hair of the people I'm crying over, instead of on my own. Booooo! 

We never go to bed on the last night, no fucking point cause you all know that at 8am you are gonna get woken up from your stinking pit of vodka hell by Rose Tours screaming over the loudspeaker…

Bitches be like….

Why the fuckity fuck are those people so chipper at that time of the morning? Do you think they put on that super annoying voice particularly to annoy the crap out of you. It is the most irritating sound known to man and it goes on and on and on. STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!

And at last it was time to leave the floating boat of Love Eternal and head back to reality. Which lets face it, pretty much sucks balls in comparison. The end of another wonderful cruise!

Thanks to all the people who made this year special for me. The 'Angela's', The 'Andreas', Becky, Lynn, Grethel, Mahasha, Colette, Lisa, Elan, Krissy, 'The Nephews', Jord and Jon. And again to the two people who are my heart, my gorgeous Jen and MC. Love you x

Just think ladies, just another 358 days to go until the next one. 

See y'all next year!

Movie Review: Only God Forgives

I don't normally do movie reviews, but after watching Only God Forgives last night I feel like I need to in order to cleanse my soul. That sentence alone is a good indication of what's to come. Directed by Drives' Nicolas Winding Refn this is a highly stylised, uber strange, neo-noir story of one fucked up mother seeking vengeance for her sons murder in Thailand.

WARNING: Contains adult content and spoilers.

BRIEF SYNOPSIS
Julian (Ryan Gosling) and his 'total prize' of a brother Billy (Tom Burke) are two Americans respected in the criminal underworld. They run a Thai Boxing club in Bangkok, a front for their massive drug smuggling empire. When Billy gets murdered the boys mother Crystal (Kristen Scott-Thomas) flies to Bangkok to collect his body and exact revenge on the person that killed her son. What follows is a twisted tale of vengeance, rage, highly suspect family relations, prostitution, torture, some nifty work with a sword, very little dialogue, lots of brooding looks and a shit load of really random God awful karaoke.

So let me ATTEMPT to review this movie.....

The movie opens at a Thai Boxing arena owned by Julian and Billy, two American brothers living in Bangkok, Thailand. The exact reason why they are living in Thailand is not really made clear until near the end of the movie, so at this stage, just assume its because of the easy access to copious amounts of cocaine.

Meet Julian

Fuck Yeah, Ryan Gosling. 

Julian is a deeply disturbed, socially stunted mummy's boy who spends the entire movie living half way between reality and fantasy, inhabiting seedy looking establishments with creepy red lighting. In an attempt to decipher what goes on in Julian's mind, we are treated to a constant back and forth of reality and fantasy sequences.

Julian doesn't say a great deal. 17 lines of dialogue in the whole movie. He has very few demonstrable emotions and one default setting when it comes to facial expressions. This is it....

He's is however, HOT. :-)

Meet Billy

There are no movie stills of Billy on line so imagine he looks like this but not quite as good looking.

Billy is a psychotic, rage-filled douche-nozzle who within the first 5 minutes of the movie, leaves the Thai Boxing fight, gets drunk and goes wandering around the dark and sleazy parts of Bangkok looking for an under-age prostitute to have sex with. He ends up in a brothel and asks the owner if he has 'any 14 year old girls'. Yeah, Billy screams WINNER from the start. Disappointed that there are no underage girls for him to fuck, he goes crazy and starts beating the owner and the girls in the bar to a pulp.

He leaves the bar and carries on walking through the streets of Bangkok. There is a lot of walking in this movie. Slow walking that seems to go on forever. This movie would have been about 20 minutes long without all the extended walking sequences and people turning around in slow motion.

I was hoping Billy might walk off his desire for nubile vajay-jay but sadly not. He passes a young girl on the street, another prostitute. He stops and stares at her and she smiles. Guess what? Yeah, he kills her. No surprises there, huh? We are treated to the scene of her grisly death; a blood splattered hotel room, her mangled, naked body splayed on the floor and psycho-fuck-knuckle Billy just sitting calmly on the bed, covered in blood and staring into space.

What could make this opening to a movie any better you're thinking? What about an appearance by God? Well, God in his human form as depicted in this movie....

Meet Chang

Asian bad ass. 

Now what I haven't quite managed to get across to you so far in this review, and its probably not something I can explain fully if you haven't seen the movie is the way that metaphor's, subtext and fantasy sequences are used to drive this plot line along. So when I say that Chang is 'God', I don't mean literally. He's not got long hair, a loincloth and sandals, he is more a metaphor for God. OK? Great.

Chang is a Thai policeman, very well respected and revered amongst his colleagues and pretty much everyone that comes into contact with him. Like Jesus. He has a special brand of policing which has garnered him the nickname 'The Angel of Vengeance'. Chang's style of justice mainly revolves around teaching the criminals a lesson they will never forget, dealing out his own brand of Saw-esque justice. He tries to teach people the error of their ways. Like Jesus. This isn't a man that spends much time filling out paperwork and eating donuts. He also likes to walk around with a 4ft sword concealed in the back of his pants which is quite frankly pretty hilarious. There is no way he could walk with a sword that size, and you never actually see it until he's drawing it out from behind his back. Again, I believe this is supposed to add to the God metaphor. He can summon a sword at any given moment. Seemingly from nowhere.

Alas I digress, lets get back to where we were. Bloody room, dead girl, psycho-killer sitting on bed. In walks Chang (slowly of course) with the dead girls father, a rather fat Thai man who doesn't quite display the depth of emotion you would expect when confronted with the dead, raped body of his 16 year old prostitute daughter. Chang tells him that Billy raped and killed her and then asks the father why he let this happen. Why did he allow his 16 year old daughter to become a prostitute? Chang then says that he should 'do what he feels is neccessary' and leaves the father in the room alone with Billy.

Did they sit down and have a chat, man to man? Oh hell no, the father beats Billy to death with a wooden stick. Hooray! We the viewers don't get to see the vile Billy getting his just desserts dished out Thai style, instead we view the scene through the blind on the door in silhouette. Lets just say, they were scraping the bits left of Billy off the floor for the next few weeks. It's kind of grisly. Chang returns to the room a while later to find the body count has increased by one. Dead girl, dead Billy, father now sitting on the bed staring into space.

It's at this point where I thought, OK, justice has been done. However Chang sees it differently. Yes, basically encouraged the father and gave him the opportunity to kill the guy that murdered his daughter but Chang blames the father more than Billy for letting his daughter become a prostitute. Chang drags the father outside into the road and asks him again how he could allow this. The father begs for forgiveness and says that he has 3 daughters and no sons, times are tough, blah blah blah. Chang says he is going to make sure that he never forgets to look after his surviving daughters, whips out his 4ft sword and cuts off the fathers arm.

The story then moves back to Julian. This is when we get our first glimpse into his fucked up subconscious thoughts. Once again, Julian is in a dimly lit, sinister looking, neon red room sitting on a chair......you guessed it, starting into space. The door opens and a scantily clad woman called Mai, seductively walks across the room. No words are spoken in this entire scene and its the first WTF moment of the movie.

She walks over to the blank looking Julian and proceeds to gently tie his wrists to the chair with some kind of ribbon. I perk up and shuffle closer to the TV expecting an imminent naked Ryan Gosling kinky sex-scene. On a side note, I spent the entire movie waiting for a kinky sex scene that never quite materialised. Things take a turn for the bizarre. Mai sits on the bed opposite him and starts masturbating. Julian stares at her expressionless, it doesn't seem to have any effect on him. I'm confused as to what their relationship is and why he is not creating a tent in his pants right now. This becomes clear later on. Poor poor boy. So Mai carries on flicking her bean inter spliced with flashes of Julian having his arms cut off by a sword. As Mai reaches her.....um, peak shall we say, Julian is dragged back into reality by the sound of someone entering the room. It's then that you see that Julian is in fact not tied to the chair and Mai has all her clothes on and is sitting on the bed. The last 5 minutes was basically Julian fantasising. It's all very Bobby Ewing re-appearing in the shower.

Julian is told by one of his cohorts that his brother has been murdered. This elicits no reaction from Julian. Just more blank staring.

The next scene is the first scene is actual daylight. It's a shock to the system after 30 minutes of darkness. Julian is standing with 2 of his drug runners in a wooden hut. They have hunted down the man responsible for killing Billy, the girls father. Poor guy. In the space of a day, his daughter has been murdered, he's killed the perpetrator, he's had his arm cut off by a twisted cop and now he's been dragged into a wooden hut to potentially be shot in the face by a vengeful Julian. Sucky day!

I shoot you in the face now, k?

Julian points a gun in his face he asks him why he killed Billy. As the father starts to explain that charmer Billy raped and murdered his daughter, the dialogue fades out to silence and the camera focus's on Julian's face. It's very reminiscent of the scene in Sleepers where Robert De Niro's character is being told about the abuse suffered by one of his young friends at the Wilkinson home for boys. The reaction tells the story without the need for dialogue. Julian manages to convey the emotion of 'disgust' in his face well enough for us all to understand that he does actually have some empathy in him. He lets the father go as he feels that justice has already been served.

Without much dialogue its kind of hard to really get to know these characters. However, the next scene lets us a take a glimpse at the kind of life that Chang lives. He has a young daughter, no wife, lives in a nice house with peaceful surroundings. He seems to like to spend his evenings slowly stalking around the local park with his sword practising his bad-ass samurai moves. Oddly, no one in the park seems to think its weird that a 60 year old man is swinging a sword around in public.

Slice like a ninja, cut like a razor blade

Now if Chang is 'God' it makes sense to have a 'Devil'. A She-Devil.

Meet Crystal

Too many glasses for 3 people?

Crystal is Billy and Julian's foul mouthed, evil witch of a mother and the matriarch of this fucked up crime family. She's kind of like a really vile, ageing Britney Spears, all leopard print spandex and false lashes. She smokes like a chimney, swears like a trouper and has severely questionable parenting skills. She's my favourite character in this movie by far and has some of the foulest lines ever delivered in a movie that isn't banned in 500 countries.

We are introduced to the delightful Crystal as she attempts to check in to her hotel in Bangkok. With her dark glasses and sour face, she doesn't take too kindly to being told that her room is not ready. She demands to speak to the manager. This is the first utterance of a line that she will say throughout the movie 'I've come to pick up the corpse of my first born son, I've been on a plane for 30 fucking hours and this little bitch is telling me I can't have my room'. It's delivered with venom and its marvellous. Of course, Crystal gets her room. How could she not, huh?

Cut to more strange scenes of Julian wandering through dimly corridors for no apparent reason, seeing things that aren't there and generally acting like a weirdo. We see you, boo.

Remember when I was in The Notebook?

Julian then has his first meeting with his mother. And shit gets weird. :-/

Crystal is sitting on the bed. Julian walks in and she says 'Did you miss me?'. She asks for a hug and something about the hug makes you immediately question just how close these two are. Oh yeah, maybe because she is TOUCHING HIS ASS as they hug. Oh good God, please turn over your 'Parent of the Year' mug to Casey Anthony. Ewwww.

No. Just No. 

The whole vibe during this scene is uncomfortable to say the least and whilst no actual mother and son sex takes place, incest is definitely suggested. In a way, I was glad. At least there was a reason why Julian was such an emotional midget.

Crystal asks Julian if he killed Billy's murderer. Julian says that he let him go which enrages his mother. He tells her that Billy raped and murdered his 16 year old daughter to which the cold, dead hearted bitch replies 'Well I'm sure he had his reasons'. Brilliantly evil. The end of this scene again implies incest with Crystal demanding vengeance for Billy's death whilst caressing Julian's bicep in a very un-motherly way. Again, Ewwwwww!

What becomes apparent is that Billy was very much the favoured son. Crystal goes to great lengths to emmaculate Julian, constantly comparing him unfavourably to her darling Billy. This plays out in a scene later on which we will get to shortly.

As Julian has refused to seek vengeance Crystal gets one of the workers at the Thai Boxing club to find and kill Billy's murderer which he does by slitting his throat in the middle of the street. Compared to some of the other poor idiots in this movie, he got off pretty light.

So what's next. Oh yes, another foray in to Julian's fantasy world. We are back in an empty bar,  Julian sitting on an opulent couch staring at Mai who is obviously 'at work'. She's sitting on a stool waiting for her next customer. He stares at her intensely, walks over to her and reaches his hand over to her. She caresses it. This is a theme that has significance throughout this movie. Gratuitous close-ups of Julian's hands. We see him rubbing his hands, clenching his fists, washing his hands as blood pours from them. I'll explain the hand thing later on.

So Mai tenderly rubs Julian's hands and then of course he has to ruin it by putting his hand up her skirt. Not to worry though, cause this is also another fantasy sequence which isn't really happening. lol. He is drawn out of his fantasy by the noise of a drunk guy in the bar. He walks over and beats him up. There is no point to this at all as it ends as abruptly as it started and doesn't link with anything else in the movie. I think its just to show that Julian is frustrated at his lack of capacity to form any kind of meaningful bond with another human being despite really wanting to. Boy gots a lot of issues.

I finally figure out that Mai is sort of like his girlfriend but because of the mental scars from years of 'motherly love' he doesn't know how to love or have a sexual relationship with a female. He has mommy issues of the most epic variety. Instead, he is destined to fantasise about being with Mai whilst never actually following through. He likes her and I think she likes him, its hard to tell with these two as they don't say a lot and looked permanently sad.

Smile Free Zone

Julian asks Mai if she will accompany him to dinner tomorrow to meet his mother and pretend to be his girlfriend. LMAO. I figure that he is either trying to prove to his mother that he is normal and she hasn't fucked him up completely OR he wants her to get jealous. He buys her a conservative but nice lacy black dress. Mai agrees. It's all very strange! LOL!!

At dinner Crystal asks Mai what she does for a living. Mai says she is an entertainer. Crystal then says 'Oh an Entertainer? Exactly how many cocks have you entertained in that little cum dumpster of yours?' ROFL! Julian's reaction to such rudeness? Um.....

Mai narrows her eyes at the vile Crystal and yup, that's about all the reaction we're getting here folks. Crystal then starts a disturbing monologue about how inadequate Julian is and how he was always jealous of his brother Billy who was apparently just better at everything. This little diatribe of emasculation ends up with yet another reference that implies incest. Crystal says that Billy always had a bigger cock than Julian. I burst out laughing at this point. She continues 'Julians isn't small by any means but but Billy's was just enormous'. Again, LMFAO. This takes the embarrassing mum cliche to an entirely new level.

After dinner, Julian walks Mai back home. He says that she can keep the dress but she declines. Julian looks slightly crestfallen. Just another rejection from another woman. She makes the fateful mistake of asking him why he lets his mother talk to him like that. He grabs her by the neck and pushes her against the wall mumbling 'because she's my mother'. This is the only point in the movie where Julian displays any kind of emotion. He starts yelling at Mai and tells her to take the dress off in the middle of the street. Again, I get ready for some hot, angry sex against a wall that never materialises.

Hey Girl. I like your shoes. 

Meanwhile, Crystal learns that Choi (dead girls father) was not the only one responsible for Billy's death, that there was a policeman (Chang) involved too. Crystal sends her men to go find him and kill him. Chang is sitting in a restaurant and almost has a vision that something bad is about to happen. He can sense it. After all, he is God remember? Crystal's men open fire with machine guns at the packed restaurant managing to kill every single patron except Chang, who escapes into the narrow streets of Bangkok. Comical.

Of course, Chang manages to dispose single handedly of the men sent to kill him. He throws a pot full of burning oil into the face of one and gets him to tell him who ordered the hit. He says a guy called Li Bo, ordered it and so Chang hauls him off to Li Bo's house where he promptly executes the man in front of Li Bo. He doesn't kill Li Bo who is there with his young son. Something to do with him accepting his own fate and not showing any fear. You know, usual far eastern, cliched, spiritual bullshit. Li Bo tells Chang that the hit was ordered by a man called Byron who is one of Crystals associates.

What follows is the most bizarre and grotesque part of the film in my opinion. Chang and his men turn up at a local karaoke bar to find Byron. The karaoke bar is opulent, decadent and foreboding with smartly dressed Thai women sitting motionless on random stools place around the room. No one speaks, no one smiles, its just plain weird and creepy. The only noise is one woman singing on the stage.

Go on now go. Walk out the door...

Chang and his men enter the room and demand that Byron tells them who ordered the hit. Byron refuses and tells them to fuck off. Sadly, Byron doesn't realise that not only is Chang God, he's also a ruthless mother fucker with very little patience. Chang tells all the women to close their eyes and like obedient dolls, they do.

Chang picks up two metal spikes out of the flower arrangement and stabs then into Byron's wrists, pinning him to the chair. As Byron screams in pain Chang gets two more prongs and stabs him in both legs before cutting out his eyes and then jabbing a spike into his ear hole. 

That stings a little

Later, Julian confronts Chang and challenges him to a fight on the bare concrete floor of Julian's Boxing club. Sadly, Julian is no match for the experienced Chang and the old man unceremoniously whoops his ass, leaving Julian a bloody mess on the floor. Poor Julian, emasculated by his mother and now beat up by an old man. 

Take that, grandpa. 

After the fight, Crystal tells Julian that Chang has figured out that she ordered the hit on him and that she is scared for her life. Oh boo-hoo, bitch. 

She asks Julian to kill him before he kills her. Despite everything, he agrees, still looking for approval from his god awful mother on some level. 

Julian and one of his men Charlie go to Chang's house out in the country with the intention of ambushing him. No one is home, so they sit and wait for his return. Chang's young daughter returns to the house with her babysitter. Charlie murders the babysitter and starts to head towards the little girl. Julian asks him what he's doing and Charlie says his instructions were to 'kill them all'. As Charlie raises his gun to shoot the small child, Julian shoots Charlie in the head as an act of redemption. 

Meanwhile Chang and a police officer visit Crystal in her hotel room. It's at this point that a lot of loose ends get tied up and we find out exactly why this family is such a bunch of fucked up losers. 

Crystal tells the police officer that Julian is a very dangerous boy, trying to imply that he is responsible for everything. Apparently Julian killed his father, Crystal's husband with his own bare hands and then fled to Thailand to escape his demons. 

All the gratuitous shots of Julian's hands now make more sense. He's almost obsessed with his own hands. His hands represent everything he hates. His hands killed his own father. Chang isn't buying her BS and kills her with his magical sword. yay, the witch is dead! :-)

Lady, you are too old to be wearing a slouch top. 

Julian returns to the hotel and finds his mothers corpse slumped against the window. And just when you thought the movie couldn't get any weirder, he cuts open a hole in his mothers stomach and then places his hands inside the wound. Why? Why would you do that?? Like many things in this movie, you are left to draw your own conclusion. If it were me making this movie, I would have had Julian rip out the bitch's cold dead heart and fashion it into a hat. ;-)

Julian leaves the hotel and then starts having some weird and surreal visions. He is shown standing in a field with Chang who appears to cut off both of Julian's hands with his sword. I'm still not 100% sure if this happened or if it was just a vision. Anyway, it ties in with the visions he's been having the entire movie and also ties into his hatred for his hands. 

The final scene returns to Chang singing at a karaoke bar with an audience of attentive police officers. I forgot to mention about the karaoke. Every time Chang kills someone, we switch to a scene of him in a bar singing karaoke.

**ROLL CREDITS**

My Opinion

This is definitely a movie that will split opinion. You will either love it or hate it. I wanted to switch it off after 20 minutes but then at the end, I kind of wanted to watch it again. It's disturbing and surreal but mesmerising to watch. It has a very distinct style, some might say it has more style over substance. The cinematography is truly amazing, the film itself looks beautiful. It's very hard to feel anything for these characters as they barely speak so when they die, you don't really give a shit. It is unlike anything I have ever seen and for that reason alone I enjoyed it. It's interesting and compelling, despite the actual story being weak. A lot of won't 'get it' and write it off as garbage, but if you are someone that appreciates a more art house style movie, that makes you think and you enjoying interpreting metaphors and sub-text then this is something you will enjoy. I give it 3/5.